There was definitely something about Cole that was different. People could see it and often commented on it. It was on my 29th birthday, he was three years old, when we went to sit in the corner of the room for a minute while the rest of the party continued on. He always would get me to tell him about the story of when he was born. This time I thought I would tease him and I turned the question around.
"Tell mommy a story about when she was born."
"Well..," he began answering. Then he paused. "Mommy, did you know I use to be a man before?" Surprised by what he said I answered calmly, "No honey I didn't know that." Then he got into detail.
"I used to be a man but I killed, then I was a baby but I didn't last very long, then I came to you." These were strong words for this particular little guy and I was curious to see what he meant. "Who did you kill baby?" Looking up with those beautiful innocent eyes he answered, "Oh don't worry mommy I only killed myself." Then he ended with, "Can I have some cake?"
Now I know what you might be thinking. He saw it on T.V! He overheard someone talking. The thing you need to take into consideration is the fact that his shows were very monitored and even if he did see something about killing yourself the child was three, he would not be able to comprehend what that even meant. That memory was just the beginning.
He started to talk all the time about his brother billy and his mother who he missed so much. He was very clear in letting me know that it was his mother before me. I never really said much because I wanted to hear him tell me these things with no influence. I would just say things like, "Really honey, tell me about them!"
One day he came home from daycare and said "Mommy can you sit down, I need to tell you about Billy." I sat down and listened very intently, but what he told me next gave me goosebumps. It wasn't just what he said but how he said it, as if he were 20.
"Mommy, I use to have this brother Billy before I was your son. We didn't look like this, we were brown. We lived in a black apartment and my dad had a shop. One day my mother had to leave and dad took care of us kids." Then Cole made sure I knew, "Mommy, he did the best he could!"
"Then one day my mother came home and we went for a walk. We crossed the street and the car hit me first, then it hit mommy. Her body fell on top of my body and then we flew up to God."
By this time I was completely captivated by what he was saying. As if my little boy had been taken over by a completely different personality for those few minutes. I decided to ask, "Honey what does God look like, mommy can't remember?" His eyes opened wide and a big smile came across his face, "Oh mommy God is so nice!" Then he continued. "When I went to God I took a little rest, then God showed me a picture of you and said I was a gift for you mommy!" Then as quickly as this conversation started it ended with the question, "Can I have some fruit loops now."
As my son bounced off to the kitchen I sat there not really sure what had just happened. To me it felt like a miracle. Sure I could analyze it till the sun when down, but I choose to take it as raw innocence and a gift. I never really talked to Cole about God, but I did find it interesting that when he spoke of "God" he never referred to a sex, like "he or she." Don't even get me started on how amazing it felt to know that even though I didn't go to church, "God" had given Cole to me as a gift!
After this story he began opening up about being "That Man" again. He said he use to know me when I was little and he knew Nana too. I guess one day he got really upset with my mother and stomped his foot at her hollering, "Nana why don't you remember me, I knew you before!" Mom unfortunely was not as accepting as I was and just told him that he was using his imagination. This totally upset Cole.
One day while sitting with Cole in the living room of my friend's place he whispered, "Mommy you know what I told you about Billy (this was a few months later)." I responded, "Yes sweet heart I do." A sad look came over his face and he continued to whisper, "I made it up. I was just using my imagination." I was shocked by this, in my heart I don't really think he was making it up, so I just said, "Really honey, that's okay!" Then he leaned in closer and said, "I didn't really make it up mommy but that is what we will tell them. They don't believe me!"
By him using the word 'Imagination' I became curious. This was not a word he used very often being only three and all. "Who doesn't believe you honey?" I already knew the answer so I wasn't surprised when he whispered back, "Nana."
Over time he began sharing his stories less and less but something always told me that he was keeping a secret for fear of ridicule. Three years later after the tragic murder of our dear friend Ottilia my mother had a severe stroke leaving her paralized and currently still in the hospital. With these two very emotional experiences Cole opened up again, this time he was not ashamed!
Stay tuned to find out about his memories of God, the different levels of heaven and why he feels he "Came back."
